31 January 2006
"IF I WAS ASKED TO GO BACK, OF COURSE I WOULD"
To mark the second anniversary of the publication of the Hutton Report, yesterday's Independent rustled up a where-are-they-now? inventory of all the main players. Tellingly absent from Greg Dyke's biography was, well, pretty much anything of note.
Sure, he's become Chancellor of York University and, as the text shamelessly reminds readers, "writes for The Independent", but you can't help feeling that for the greatest Director-General of his generation and one of the TV industry's master schedulers, this really isn't good enough. What's the man got to show for the past 24 months, other than essaying an underwhelming attempt at hosting Have I Got News For You? and penning a voluminous memoir mostly taken up with Blair bashing?
In the weeks following his sacking, Dyke was linked with pretty much every broadcasting job going, in particular taking over ITV. Nowadays his name's not dropped at all. It's a real shame, because the man clearly still has a flair and passion for telly, knows precisely what works and what doesn't on the small screen, and has a damn sight more charisma and insight than virtually all the people currently running British television.
Maybe he has been deluged with offers from broadcasters seeking his counsel and participation, and he just can't be arsed. Maybe he was so hurt by the manner of his departure that it's too big a step to return to his old stamping ground. Even so, imagine how different a place ITV would be now if he had answered the call. Or Channel 4 for that matter, if he'd taken over as Chairman.
Whatever, his boisterous patter and avuncular personality are sorely missed both on and off camera. Even if he doesn't fancy running British telly, he'd still do us a huge favour by appearing on it. And that's in any capacity, frankly. After all, the sight of Dyke, sleeves rolled-up, on the Ten O'clock News the night the power failed in Television Centre to report that all was well, as if he'd fixed the faulty wiring in person, was priceless.
Sure, he's become Chancellor of York University and, as the text shamelessly reminds readers, "writes for The Independent", but you can't help feeling that for the greatest Director-General of his generation and one of the TV industry's master schedulers, this really isn't good enough. What's the man got to show for the past 24 months, other than essaying an underwhelming attempt at hosting Have I Got News For You? and penning a voluminous memoir mostly taken up with Blair bashing?
In the weeks following his sacking, Dyke was linked with pretty much every broadcasting job going, in particular taking over ITV. Nowadays his name's not dropped at all. It's a real shame, because the man clearly still has a flair and passion for telly, knows precisely what works and what doesn't on the small screen, and has a damn sight more charisma and insight than virtually all the people currently running British television.
Maybe he has been deluged with offers from broadcasters seeking his counsel and participation, and he just can't be arsed. Maybe he was so hurt by the manner of his departure that it's too big a step to return to his old stamping ground. Even so, imagine how different a place ITV would be now if he had answered the call. Or Channel 4 for that matter, if he'd taken over as Chairman.
Whatever, his boisterous patter and avuncular personality are sorely missed both on and off camera. Even if he doesn't fancy running British telly, he'd still do us a huge favour by appearing on it. And that's in any capacity, frankly. After all, the sight of Dyke, sleeves rolled-up, on the Ten O'clock News the night the power failed in Television Centre to report that all was well, as if he'd fixed the faulty wiring in person, was priceless.
27 January 2006
A LOAD OF OLD CROCS - SLIGHT RETURN
Occasional (a bit too occasional, if you want my opinion) OTT contributor and blogger maestro Stuart Ian Burns writes in response to Ian Jones' 16 January musings on Friends and Crocodiles.
"My theory on Friends and Crocodiles (as per Ian's post) is that at either the script or shooting stage it was cut from a much longer drama down to the two hours. It had a perfect three-episode structure - she's his secretary/equalibrium/she's the boss - which became confused.
"The pacing seemed very off in places with music trying to make up for nostaligic times which simply didn't resonate as much as they should. That said I did enjoy the work, despite some of the day-glo photography."
"My theory on Friends and Crocodiles (as per Ian's post) is that at either the script or shooting stage it was cut from a much longer drama down to the two hours. It had a perfect three-episode structure - she's his secretary/equalibrium/she's the boss - which became confused.
"The pacing seemed very off in places with music trying to make up for nostaligic times which simply didn't resonate as much as they should. That said I did enjoy the work, despite some of the day-glo photography."
26 January 2006
"I HAD, I HAD"
Having watched Our Friends in the North again over the New Year, a suspicion that had been growing since Christmas time was finally confirmed; namely, that Christopher Eccleston isn't actually that good an actor, is he? Admittedly, he does a nice line in passionate anger, but he can't do the small things, like eat a packet of crisps, with any conviction.
In Our Friends in the North his portrayal of the young and optimistic Nicky is far less convincing than the older more cynical version that creeps in around about episode three. Similarly the way he holds a camera and the manner in which he takes photographs looks all wrong to me.
The same is true in The Second Coming. As some tortured higher being he is fine, but as a slightly nerdy Salford lad, well he can't drink a pint of lager with anything approaching authenticity. I think this nagging feeling regarding Eccleston's acting deficiencies has been with me for some time, however it took the free-flowing performance of David Tennant in the Christmas Doctor Who to really bring this to the surface. So in short Eccles in Hillsborough = tops, but Eccles in Linda Green = crap
In Our Friends in the North his portrayal of the young and optimistic Nicky is far less convincing than the older more cynical version that creeps in around about episode three. Similarly the way he holds a camera and the manner in which he takes photographs looks all wrong to me.
The same is true in The Second Coming. As some tortured higher being he is fine, but as a slightly nerdy Salford lad, well he can't drink a pint of lager with anything approaching authenticity. I think this nagging feeling regarding Eccleston's acting deficiencies has been with me for some time, however it took the free-flowing performance of David Tennant in the Christmas Doctor Who to really bring this to the surface. So in short Eccles in Hillsborough = tops, but Eccles in Linda Green = crap
24 January 2006
THE FOLLOWING ENTRY TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 3pm AND 3.15pm
Just back from the Sky One launch for 24, series five. It's a shame the way the show just kind of fell out of the spotlight when it moved to satellite, as it remains fantastically entertaining viewing. It's audacious, a little bit silly and - best of all - makes up the rules as it goes along.
The opening salvo (which hits our screens on 12 February) was perhaps the most exciting yet - it's all up for grabs this time around. But that's all I'm really going to say about it because, rather irritatingly, the screening I was at was introduced by a Sky PR bod who basically signposted the most notable moment in the episode, even to the point of telling us when it would occur.
Obviously, programmes have to be publicised, but with something as plot-heavy as 24, specific storyline details should surely remain undiscussed - not even alluded to. Thus, if anyone else in the world apart from me is intent on actually watching the thing come February (and to be fair, it did notch up 17 million viewers in the US) keep away from Sky One until then. Cripes, even the continuity announcer could blow it all.
Er, actually, here's one small plot detail I am going to reveal: There's a lovely moment when Jack Bauer is (inevitably) dragooned back into action again. The whole thing is undercut with our hero producing a pair of dark glasses from within his hither-to hidden stash of weapons. Cheesy and trite, yet, but amusingly self-aware.
Tick-tock-tick-tock ...
The opening salvo (which hits our screens on 12 February) was perhaps the most exciting yet - it's all up for grabs this time around. But that's all I'm really going to say about it because, rather irritatingly, the screening I was at was introduced by a Sky PR bod who basically signposted the most notable moment in the episode, even to the point of telling us when it would occur.
Obviously, programmes have to be publicised, but with something as plot-heavy as 24, specific storyline details should surely remain undiscussed - not even alluded to. Thus, if anyone else in the world apart from me is intent on actually watching the thing come February (and to be fair, it did notch up 17 million viewers in the US) keep away from Sky One until then. Cripes, even the continuity announcer could blow it all.
Er, actually, here's one small plot detail I am going to reveal: There's a lovely moment when Jack Bauer is (inevitably) dragooned back into action again. The whole thing is undercut with our hero producing a pair of dark glasses from within his hither-to hidden stash of weapons. Cheesy and trite, yet, but amusingly self-aware.
Tick-tock-tick-tock ...
22 January 2006
CALENDAR COUNTDOWN
What have been the most watched programmes of the decade so far?
By judiciously splicing together statistics from individual years, you end up with a fascinating chart that not only throws up a fair share of surprises, but one which almost confounds the notion that audiences don't tune in like they used to:
1) Only Fools and Horses (25 December 2001) - 21.4m
2) Euro 2004: Portugal v England (BBC1, 24 June 2004) - 20.7m
3) EastEnders (5 April 2001) - 20.1m
4) Coronation Street (24 February 2003) - 19.4m
5) Coronation Street (3 January 2000) - 19.0m
6) Euro 2004: France v England (ITV1, 21 June 2004) - 17.8m
7) EastEnders (29 September 2003) - 16.7m
8) EastEnders (5 March 2001) - 16.6m
9) Only Fools and Horses (25 December 2002) - 16.3m
9) EastEnders (2 January 2001) - 16.3m
9) Coronation Street (16 February 2004) - 16.3m
12) Coronation Street (1 January 2001) - 16.2m
13) Coronation Street (3 January 2001) - 16.1m
13) Who Wants to be a Millionaire?: Tonight Special (21 April 2003) - 16.1m
15) EastEnders (25 December 2002) - 16m
16) Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (19 January 2000) - 15.8m
17) Coronation Street (13 January 2003) - 15.6m
18) Only Fools and Horses (25 December 2003) - 15.5m
18) Coronation Street (11 March 2001) - 15.5m
20) Michael Jackson Tonight Special (3 February 2003) - 15.3m
21) Heartbeat (6 February 2000) - 15.2m
21) EastEnders (28 December 2000) - 15.2m
23) I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! (9 February 2004) - 15m
24) Euro 2000 Portugal v England (ITV1, 12 June 2000) - 14.9m
25) Coronation Street (5 January 2001) - 14.8m
25) EastEnders (5 January 2004) - 14.8m
27) A Touch of Frost (14 January 2001) - 14.7m
28) Euro 2000 England v Romania (BBC1, 20 June 2000) -14.6m
29) Coronation Street (21 February 2005) - 14.4m
30) EastEnders (18 February 2005) - 14.3m
31) Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (1 May 2000) - 13.9m
32) Heartbeat (21 January 2001) - 13.8m
33) Inspector Morse (15 November 2000) - 13.6m
34) Emmerdale (22 March 2000) - 13.3m
34) Pop Idol (9 February 2002) - 13.3m
36) A Touch of Frost (22 February 2004) - 13m
37) One Foot in the Grave (20 November 2000) - 12.8m
37) Heartbeat (12 January 2003) - 12.8m
39) I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! (12 May 2003) 12.7m
39) Billy Elliot (BBC1, 1 January 2003) 12.7m
41) The Vicar of Dibley (25 December 2004) - 12.6m
42) Jubilee 2002: Party at the Palace (BBC1, 3 June 2002) - 12.5m
42) World Cup 2002: England v Brazil (BBC1, 21 June 2002) - 12.5m
42) World Cup 2002: England v Denmark (BBC1, 15 June 2002) - 12.5m
45) Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (2002) - 12.4m
45) A Touch of Frost (2002) - 12.4m
47) Rugby World Cup Final (ITV1, 22 November 2003) -12.3m
47) Casualty (12 February 2000) - 12.3m
47) Seeing Red (19 March 2000) - 12.3m
50) World Cup 2002: England v Sweden (ITV1, 2nd June 2002) - 12.2m
There are various things to pick up on here.
The top 10, for instance, boasts programmes from every year except 2005. Indeed, of the 50, 12 hail from 2000, 10 from 2001, 9 from 2002, 10 from 2003, 7 from 2004 and just 2 from 2005. If you discount last year's poor showing, and that's a fairly telling if, that makes for a fairly even spread across the decade.
As far as the soaps go, all bar one of the featured episodes of EastEnders are to do with death. Number 3 saw the identity of Phil Mitchell's killer revealed, while #8 was concerned with the immediate aftermath of his shooting; #7 witnessed the return of Den from the dead while #30 saw him being killed off - again; #9 was the day after Nick was shot, #15 the one where Jamie died, and #25 the fall out of a minibus crash in Scotland. Only the episode at #28 refrains from morbid matters, instead settling for a search for Little Mo.
In contrast, some of the featured episodes of Coronation Street deal with the most trivial of concerns. Three episodes from the week of 1 January 2001 make the chart (#12, #13 and #25), none of which appear to be in any way notable, unless Ken and Deirdre quarreling about the virtues of becoming a magistrate counts as must-watch TV (which it evidently did). Proper set-piece shenanigans lay behind #4 (Richard Hillman confessing his murderous crimes to Gail), #5 (the 45-minute two-hander between Curly and Raquel), and #17 (Richard attempting to murder Emily Bishop), while #18 is the 5000th episode featuring Ken and Mike in court, #9 is Steve and Karen's wedding and #29 the problems with Katy and Martin's relationship.
Other points of interest include the fact there are two last-ever episodes in there at #33 and #37. Famously, One Foot In the Grave was transmitted up against Judith Keppel winning the full sum on ... Millionaire? But though it lost out in overnight ratings, it actually ended up winning when the number of people who videoed the episode were factored in.
Breaking it down into genre, there's just one film (#39) but 18 soaps; 10 dramas, eight sporting matches, and five sitcoms; two quizzes and one documentary about quizzes; three game show finales; one stand-alone documentary; and one royal celebration. Five of the 50 were broadcast on Christmas Day. The overall score is 21 to BBC1, 29 to ITV.
Finally a prediction. This chart will have changed come this time next year, but not by much. Additions will be in the form of some World Cup matches and at least a couple of high profile soap episodes. Anything else will come courtesy of unexpected national events or unintended smash hits. Both of which, in the eyes of channel controllers, would be very much welcome.
By judiciously splicing together statistics from individual years, you end up with a fascinating chart that not only throws up a fair share of surprises, but one which almost confounds the notion that audiences don't tune in like they used to:
1) Only Fools and Horses (25 December 2001) - 21.4m
2) Euro 2004: Portugal v England (BBC1, 24 June 2004) - 20.7m
3) EastEnders (5 April 2001) - 20.1m
4) Coronation Street (24 February 2003) - 19.4m
5) Coronation Street (3 January 2000) - 19.0m
6) Euro 2004: France v England (ITV1, 21 June 2004) - 17.8m
7) EastEnders (29 September 2003) - 16.7m
8) EastEnders (5 March 2001) - 16.6m
9) Only Fools and Horses (25 December 2002) - 16.3m
9) EastEnders (2 January 2001) - 16.3m
9) Coronation Street (16 February 2004) - 16.3m
12) Coronation Street (1 January 2001) - 16.2m
13) Coronation Street (3 January 2001) - 16.1m
13) Who Wants to be a Millionaire?: Tonight Special (21 April 2003) - 16.1m
15) EastEnders (25 December 2002) - 16m
16) Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (19 January 2000) - 15.8m
17) Coronation Street (13 January 2003) - 15.6m
18) Only Fools and Horses (25 December 2003) - 15.5m
18) Coronation Street (11 March 2001) - 15.5m
20) Michael Jackson Tonight Special (3 February 2003) - 15.3m
21) Heartbeat (6 February 2000) - 15.2m
21) EastEnders (28 December 2000) - 15.2m
23) I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! (9 February 2004) - 15m
24) Euro 2000 Portugal v England (ITV1, 12 June 2000) - 14.9m
25) Coronation Street (5 January 2001) - 14.8m
25) EastEnders (5 January 2004) - 14.8m
27) A Touch of Frost (14 January 2001) - 14.7m
28) Euro 2000 England v Romania (BBC1, 20 June 2000) -14.6m
29) Coronation Street (21 February 2005) - 14.4m
30) EastEnders (18 February 2005) - 14.3m
31) Who Wants to be a Millionaire? (1 May 2000) - 13.9m
32) Heartbeat (21 January 2001) - 13.8m
33) Inspector Morse (15 November 2000) - 13.6m
34) Emmerdale (22 March 2000) - 13.3m
34) Pop Idol (9 February 2002) - 13.3m
36) A Touch of Frost (22 February 2004) - 13m
37) One Foot in the Grave (20 November 2000) - 12.8m
37) Heartbeat (12 January 2003) - 12.8m
39) I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here! (12 May 2003) 12.7m
39) Billy Elliot (BBC1, 1 January 2003) 12.7m
41) The Vicar of Dibley (25 December 2004) - 12.6m
42) Jubilee 2002: Party at the Palace (BBC1, 3 June 2002) - 12.5m
42) World Cup 2002: England v Brazil (BBC1, 21 June 2002) - 12.5m
42) World Cup 2002: England v Denmark (BBC1, 15 June 2002) - 12.5m
45) Auf Wiedersehen, Pet (2002) - 12.4m
45) A Touch of Frost (2002) - 12.4m
47) Rugby World Cup Final (ITV1, 22 November 2003) -12.3m
47) Casualty (12 February 2000) - 12.3m
47) Seeing Red (19 March 2000) - 12.3m
50) World Cup 2002: England v Sweden (ITV1, 2nd June 2002) - 12.2m
There are various things to pick up on here.
The top 10, for instance, boasts programmes from every year except 2005. Indeed, of the 50, 12 hail from 2000, 10 from 2001, 9 from 2002, 10 from 2003, 7 from 2004 and just 2 from 2005. If you discount last year's poor showing, and that's a fairly telling if, that makes for a fairly even spread across the decade.
As far as the soaps go, all bar one of the featured episodes of EastEnders are to do with death. Number 3 saw the identity of Phil Mitchell's killer revealed, while #8 was concerned with the immediate aftermath of his shooting; #7 witnessed the return of Den from the dead while #30 saw him being killed off - again; #9 was the day after Nick was shot, #15 the one where Jamie died, and #25 the fall out of a minibus crash in Scotland. Only the episode at #28 refrains from morbid matters, instead settling for a search for Little Mo.
In contrast, some of the featured episodes of Coronation Street deal with the most trivial of concerns. Three episodes from the week of 1 January 2001 make the chart (#12, #13 and #25), none of which appear to be in any way notable, unless Ken and Deirdre quarreling about the virtues of becoming a magistrate counts as must-watch TV (which it evidently did). Proper set-piece shenanigans lay behind #4 (Richard Hillman confessing his murderous crimes to Gail), #5 (the 45-minute two-hander between Curly and Raquel), and #17 (Richard attempting to murder Emily Bishop), while #18 is the 5000th episode featuring Ken and Mike in court, #9 is Steve and Karen's wedding and #29 the problems with Katy and Martin's relationship.
Other points of interest include the fact there are two last-ever episodes in there at #33 and #37. Famously, One Foot In the Grave was transmitted up against Judith Keppel winning the full sum on ... Millionaire? But though it lost out in overnight ratings, it actually ended up winning when the number of people who videoed the episode were factored in.
Breaking it down into genre, there's just one film (#39) but 18 soaps; 10 dramas, eight sporting matches, and five sitcoms; two quizzes and one documentary about quizzes; three game show finales; one stand-alone documentary; and one royal celebration. Five of the 50 were broadcast on Christmas Day. The overall score is 21 to BBC1, 29 to ITV.
Finally a prediction. This chart will have changed come this time next year, but not by much. Additions will be in the form of some World Cup matches and at least a couple of high profile soap episodes. Anything else will come courtesy of unexpected national events or unintended smash hits. Both of which, in the eyes of channel controllers, would be very much welcome.
21 January 2006
"HERE THEY COME NOW, NORTON AND TATE ..."
So Paul Jackson is ITV's new Head of Entertainment, which is a good move I think because he's clearly got bags of experience. This week's Broadcast reports that he's going to try and lure over loads of BBC talent, in an attempt to stop any more Paul O'Grady-esque situations. The magazine reckons Jonathan Ross is going to be targeted, which is fair enough, but they also claim they're trying to grab Catherine Tate - a "natural signing", apparently, who'll obviously be able to go in all those comedy slots ITV has. It also reports they're going to try and grab ... Graham Norton! Because of course his exclusive BBC deal has worked so well, hasn't it?
Broadcast also reports that one of the options ITV are considering for a replacement for The Paul O'Grady Show is, er, The Best of The Paul O'Grady Show. Surely that would just look hugely embarrassing, but probably a better option than another concept they're considering, as claimed in yesterday's papers - The Price is Right with Joe Pasquale.
Broadcast also reports that one of the options ITV are considering for a replacement for The Paul O'Grady Show is, er, The Best of The Paul O'Grady Show. Surely that would just look hugely embarrassing, but probably a better option than another concept they're considering, as claimed in yesterday's papers - The Price is Right with Joe Pasquale.
19 January 2006
WOGAN VS IKE: ROUND TWO
Last night I was fortunate enough to attend the recording of the first episode of Wogan: Now and Then. What can I say? Our man has still got the knack, with the whole evening feeling very much like an edition of Wogan in its pomp.
For all Tel's claim he doesn't like to bog himself down with research prior to meeting his guests, he was remarkably well informed, quizzing Christopher Lee on what it felt like to be Hollywood's "most valuable player" in 2005, and taking Ulrika Jonsson to task for various unkind comments she made about Sven-Göran Eriksson's (lack of) prowess under the covers.
The showpiece encounter of the evening was patently Terry's reunion with David Icke, 15 years after the former sportscaster came out as the "son of the Godhead" on Terry's teatime show.
The atmosphere in the studio was postively icy, despite Tel's efforts to take a concillatory tone, expressing his misgivings about his own "they're laughing at you" comment from 1991. Alas, Icke isn't known for his magnanimity, and used this as an opportunity to berate the audience for its lack of maturity. Apparently we all should have been thinking "something really interesting is happening to this guy", rather than pouring scorn on the notion Saturday Superstore's sports desk anchor was some kind of modern day Messiah.
Although I was inclined to feel sympathy for Icke, I found that - and my patience - fast ebbing away as he launched into an ill-focussed ramble about bloodlines and a secret ruling class manipulating things from behind-the-scenes. "It's written down, Terry!" he bellowed on various occasions, as though this in itself gave his theories credence.
For his part, Wogan valiantly battled to get some sort of concrete statement from Icke; name names - who exactly are "the illuminati"? Instead, all he got was confusing bluster and, with the floor manager desperately signalling it was time to cut to a break, things became somewhat fractious as our host challenged David on why he seemed to be the only person coming forward with all this stuff, particularly if it was apparently all so well documented - or "written down". "So, you know it all?" said Terry. David bristled: "Oh, now that was a cheap jibe!"
"It seems nowadays we can't have the word 'conspiracy'," railed Icke, "without the word 'theory'." Well, in this case all we did get is the conspiracy - any essence of a theory was lost in all the fuzzy polemic about world powers and secret orders.
"I hope he didn't scare you!" shouted an audience-member to Tel, during a break in recording (and with Icke safely back in the green room). Much laughter.
For all Tel's claim he doesn't like to bog himself down with research prior to meeting his guests, he was remarkably well informed, quizzing Christopher Lee on what it felt like to be Hollywood's "most valuable player" in 2005, and taking Ulrika Jonsson to task for various unkind comments she made about Sven-Göran Eriksson's (lack of) prowess under the covers.
The showpiece encounter of the evening was patently Terry's reunion with David Icke, 15 years after the former sportscaster came out as the "son of the Godhead" on Terry's teatime show.
The atmosphere in the studio was postively icy, despite Tel's efforts to take a concillatory tone, expressing his misgivings about his own "they're laughing at you" comment from 1991. Alas, Icke isn't known for his magnanimity, and used this as an opportunity to berate the audience for its lack of maturity. Apparently we all should have been thinking "something really interesting is happening to this guy", rather than pouring scorn on the notion Saturday Superstore's sports desk anchor was some kind of modern day Messiah.
Although I was inclined to feel sympathy for Icke, I found that - and my patience - fast ebbing away as he launched into an ill-focussed ramble about bloodlines and a secret ruling class manipulating things from behind-the-scenes. "It's written down, Terry!" he bellowed on various occasions, as though this in itself gave his theories credence.
For his part, Wogan valiantly battled to get some sort of concrete statement from Icke; name names - who exactly are "the illuminati"? Instead, all he got was confusing bluster and, with the floor manager desperately signalling it was time to cut to a break, things became somewhat fractious as our host challenged David on why he seemed to be the only person coming forward with all this stuff, particularly if it was apparently all so well documented - or "written down". "So, you know it all?" said Terry. David bristled: "Oh, now that was a cheap jibe!"
"It seems nowadays we can't have the word 'conspiracy'," railed Icke, "without the word 'theory'." Well, in this case all we did get is the conspiracy - any essence of a theory was lost in all the fuzzy polemic about world powers and secret orders.
"I hope he didn't scare you!" shouted an audience-member to Tel, during a break in recording (and with Icke safely back in the green room). Much laughter.
16 January 2006
A LOAD OF OLD CROCS
Off the back of a truckload of hype, Radio Times front cover included, perhaps it was inevitable that Stephen Poliakoff's "state of the nation" epic Friends and Crocodiles would never quite match expectation. Eating up almost two hours of BBC1 on a Sunday night demanded respect, sure, but only on account of there being some return on such an investment.
There wasn't any. In fact, there wasn't much of anything at all during the entire piece. Glamorous characters walked on, said a few abstract lines, held a glamorous party, then walked off. A few years then passed, the same characters walked back on, said a few more abstract things, rued the fact they couldn't have another glamorous party, then walked off again. So it went on. Nothing was advanced, nothing was proved. Worse, not one of the characters was likeable, even as they ostensibly grew older and wiser.
Not since Gormenghast has the BBC mustered a drama that went to such lengths to frame every shot in as expensive way possible, but to people each scene with as insubstantial plots and personalities imaginable. It would have been heading for a textbook baked bean ending, had the thing actually had an ending, instead of just petering out like an ill-organised, crappy yet acutely costly firework display.
Friends and Crocodiles was the worst of both worlds: no bark, and no bite.
There wasn't any. In fact, there wasn't much of anything at all during the entire piece. Glamorous characters walked on, said a few abstract lines, held a glamorous party, then walked off. A few years then passed, the same characters walked back on, said a few more abstract things, rued the fact they couldn't have another glamorous party, then walked off again. So it went on. Nothing was advanced, nothing was proved. Worse, not one of the characters was likeable, even as they ostensibly grew older and wiser.
Not since Gormenghast has the BBC mustered a drama that went to such lengths to frame every shot in as expensive way possible, but to people each scene with as insubstantial plots and personalities imaginable. It would have been heading for a textbook baked bean ending, had the thing actually had an ending, instead of just petering out like an ill-organised, crappy yet acutely costly firework display.
Friends and Crocodiles was the worst of both worlds: no bark, and no bite.
TERRY WOGAN'S KNEE
Terry Wogan's new series, Wogan: Now and Then sounds brilliant. One aspect he won't be resurrecting from his old BBC1 teatime show, however, is the knee-touching.
"That whole business used to drive me mad!" he says in interview. "It was the most irritating thing of all time. Of course, increasing numbers of PRs would say to the guests, 'Touch Terry's knee, everyone likes that'. When I'd see a hand reaching out, a cold fear would come over me. For God's sake, get off!
"This time I'm going to make sure the seating arrangements are such that the guests are too far away to be able to reach me. We'll have a bit of a hug to start, but apart from that there will be no contact whatsoever. "
"That whole business used to drive me mad!" he says in interview. "It was the most irritating thing of all time. Of course, increasing numbers of PRs would say to the guests, 'Touch Terry's knee, everyone likes that'. When I'd see a hand reaching out, a cold fear would come over me. For God's sake, get off!
"This time I'm going to make sure the seating arrangements are such that the guests are too far away to be able to reach me. We'll have a bit of a hug to start, but apart from that there will be no contact whatsoever. "
12 January 2006
"JODIE, JODIE, JUST LISTEN TO HIM, LISTEN TO HIM"
I know I am swimming against the tide here, but I actually think this year's Celebrity Big Brother is turning into an interesting exercise and a worthwhile (if at times very difficult) viewing experience.
Observing the group dynamics, and in particular the way certain behaviours are collectively condemned or approved (based on what appears to be a bizarre criteria that allows Pete Burns to tell someone to "fuck off" and claim another housemate to be the "lowest of the low", while Jodie Marsh gets crucified for talking about the other housemates in the Diary Room) is proving fascinating.
So too is the hierarchy of self-mythology that demands each of the housemates attempts to coach the others in the "ways of life " These laborious conversations actually consist of little more than battles to prove who is the most intellectually or spiritually enlightened.
And as for the hostility that the group direct towards Marsh ... Well, the collective hysteria and constant validation of each other's increasingly over the top feelings of animosity towards an (admittedly) annoying twentysomething year old girl is a real sight to behold, and at a stroke demonstrates that Derren Brown could talk this bunch into robbing a bank within 30 seconds.
Surely this can't be doing George Galloway's political career any good? After all would you vote for someone whose opinion can be swayed so violently by Michael Barrymore?
Observing the group dynamics, and in particular the way certain behaviours are collectively condemned or approved (based on what appears to be a bizarre criteria that allows Pete Burns to tell someone to "fuck off" and claim another housemate to be the "lowest of the low", while Jodie Marsh gets crucified for talking about the other housemates in the Diary Room) is proving fascinating.
So too is the hierarchy of self-mythology that demands each of the housemates attempts to coach the others in the "ways of life " These laborious conversations actually consist of little more than battles to prove who is the most intellectually or spiritually enlightened.
And as for the hostility that the group direct towards Marsh ... Well, the collective hysteria and constant validation of each other's increasingly over the top feelings of animosity towards an (admittedly) annoying twentysomething year old girl is a real sight to behold, and at a stroke demonstrates that Derren Brown could talk this bunch into robbing a bank within 30 seconds.
Surely this can't be doing George Galloway's political career any good? After all would you vote for someone whose opinion can be swayed so violently by Michael Barrymore?
10 January 2006
TAKE A LOOK AT THE LAWMEN ...
Although Life on Mars has got off to a reasonably impressive start ratings-wise, it'll be tested from next Monday not least because it'll be up against ITV's latest Robson Green vehicle Northern Lights.
It'll also be a challenge to maintain the sheer momentum and dramatic elan of the first episode. If the show settles into conventional casebook-style business, the "time travel" elements will surely begin to feel like bolted-on extras, somewhat superfluous to the main storyline and crowbarred into the plot. On the other hand if it continues to major on the fish-out-of-water theme, where can it go other than into increasingly cliched 1970s culture shocks? There are another seven hours to come; seven hours to explore a conceit already done and dusted in less than one.
If the series concentrates on how and why John Simm is imagining himself into 1973 and the potential for him starting to lose further grip on reality - with other "bits" of today popping up in yesteryear - it might pull off the trick of being the best crime drama since Between the Lines. Besides providing for a perfect way to pass the weeks until another time-traveller returns.
It'll also be a challenge to maintain the sheer momentum and dramatic elan of the first episode. If the show settles into conventional casebook-style business, the "time travel" elements will surely begin to feel like bolted-on extras, somewhat superfluous to the main storyline and crowbarred into the plot. On the other hand if it continues to major on the fish-out-of-water theme, where can it go other than into increasingly cliched 1970s culture shocks? There are another seven hours to come; seven hours to explore a conceit already done and dusted in less than one.
If the series concentrates on how and why John Simm is imagining himself into 1973 and the potential for him starting to lose further grip on reality - with other "bits" of today popping up in yesteryear - it might pull off the trick of being the best crime drama since Between the Lines. Besides providing for a perfect way to pass the weeks until another time-traveller returns.
"YOU'RE A SCREAMING BERTIE AND YOU PONG!"
A Bit of Fry and Laurie is coming out on DVD. Fantastic news. It was the first show my family went collectively nuts over (okay, we all were pretty keen on EastEnders at the start, and we wouldn't miss Dynasty back in the day) and one that still retains its spark even now. Sketch-show comedy of the non-catchphrase variety, aside from a few side-swipes at Thatch and enterprise culture, most of the topics it dealt with were pretty timeless.
Of course, as each series arrived it got progressively worse, culminating in the unwatchable fourth season (and see here for some quotes on that), with Peter's Friends-rank guest stars lurking around Hugh's piano.
Nevertheless, at its peak it remains the finest comedy ever seen on British TV. Fact.
Of course, as each series arrived it got progressively worse, culminating in the unwatchable fourth season (and see here for some quotes on that), with Peter's Friends-rank guest stars lurking around Hugh's piano.
Nevertheless, at its peak it remains the finest comedy ever seen on British TV. Fact.
08 January 2006
WHAT'S THE STORY?
Well, it's got the most luridly ugly opening title sequence ever - and, get those fonts! They're awful! That's pretty much all I can remember at this distance from Friday's debut of Morning Glory on C4.
A kind of breakfast show in the margins, really. Newspaper review: check. TV review: check. RI:SE mark II-cum-Big Breakfast-style whooping, unseen crew: check ... You get the idea. Of course, Dermot O'Leary handles the whole thing with aplomb, but nothing here feels new. Throw in the inevitable Boyd Hilton bit (disgracefully hectoring for a daily gig over Dermot's outro) and you get something which puts the "blah" in bland.
It's breakfast TV that's going through the motions, and insufficiently engaging to prevent the audience nipping off to the loo to do just the same, before leaving the house for the day.
A kind of breakfast show in the margins, really. Newspaper review: check. TV review: check. RI:SE mark II-cum-Big Breakfast-style whooping, unseen crew: check ... You get the idea. Of course, Dermot O'Leary handles the whole thing with aplomb, but nothing here feels new. Throw in the inevitable Boyd Hilton bit (disgracefully hectoring for a daily gig over Dermot's outro) and you get something which puts the "blah" in bland.
It's breakfast TV that's going through the motions, and insufficiently engaging to prevent the audience nipping off to the loo to do just the same, before leaving the house for the day.
"IF YOU ASK FOR DUREX IN AUSTRALIA ..."
Are there four words in the English language more depressing than Jon Culshaw's Commercial Breakdown? Amazingly Culshaw is now the seventh person to front this format on BBC1 - after Jasper Carrott, Patrick Kielty, Rory McGrath, Jo Brand, Ruby Wax and Jim Davidson - which is remarkable when it was already running out of steam while the first presenter was doing it.
It's such a lazy and uninteresting concept, though - fair enough as a one-off, which it originally was of course, but every week for eight weeks is just hideous. How can any of these hosts think their careers are being served by sitting on a set made of oversized Mars bars reading out lame gags off the autocue and linking into the same old clips each time? And why do the BBC continually recommission it? Yes, it's cheap, but it's also fantastically cynical.
The thing is shows like these all work from the same shallow pool - I recall Kielty's stint in charge coinciding with a series of Tarrant on TV, and each week there'd be a handful of clips appearing on both shows. And what is the appeal of funny adverts? You wouldn't get a clip show made up of Finnish TV comedy sketches, so why do we have one made up of Finnish TV adverts? And the thing is, adverts, from any country, are simply never, ever funny.
And lest we forget, "The producers would like to thank the world's advertising industries for their invaluable help in the making of this programme". Bleurgh.
It's such a lazy and uninteresting concept, though - fair enough as a one-off, which it originally was of course, but every week for eight weeks is just hideous. How can any of these hosts think their careers are being served by sitting on a set made of oversized Mars bars reading out lame gags off the autocue and linking into the same old clips each time? And why do the BBC continually recommission it? Yes, it's cheap, but it's also fantastically cynical.
The thing is shows like these all work from the same shallow pool - I recall Kielty's stint in charge coinciding with a series of Tarrant on TV, and each week there'd be a handful of clips appearing on both shows. And what is the appeal of funny adverts? You wouldn't get a clip show made up of Finnish TV comedy sketches, so why do we have one made up of Finnish TV adverts? And the thing is, adverts, from any country, are simply never, ever funny.
And lest we forget, "The producers would like to thank the world's advertising industries for their invaluable help in the making of this programme". Bleurgh.
05 January 2006
THE MOST WATCHED SHOWS OF 2005
News is filtering out about Broadcast's list of most-watched programmes in 2005.
Top of the pops, as per, was Coronation Street, which, on February 21 pulled in 14.35 million viewers. That was the episode which featured the rather perfunctory storylines of Sally's affair with boss Ian Davenport, and Tommy Harris going nuts over his daughter's relationship with Martin. Interestingly, this run-of-the-mill stuff was enough to punt EastEnders into second place, and their showpiece "killing Dirty Den" episode, which went out days before on February 18, attacting an audience of 14.34 million.
Here's that top 10 in full ...
1. Coronation Street - 14.35m - 57.39% - ITV1 (7.30pm, Monday 21 February)
2. EastEnders - 14.34m - 57.85% - BBC1 (8pm, Friday 18 February)
3. The Vicar of Dibley - 11.57m - 42.70% - BBC1 (9pm, Saturday 1 January)
4. Emmerdale - 11.18m - 48.80% - ITV1 (7pm, Monday 21 February)
5. Comic Relief Night - 10.93m - 45.09% - BBC1 (7pm, Friday 11 March)
6. Doctor Who - 10.81m - 44.84% - BBC1 (7pm, Saturday 26 March)
7. I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me out of Here! - 10.54m - 44.02% - ITV1 (9pm, Monday 28 November)
8. Strictly Come Dancing - 10.4m - 41.50% - BBC1 (6.30pm, Saturday 17 December)
9. A Touch of Frost - 10.28m - 40.24% - ITV1 (8.25pm, Sunday 25 September)
10. Little Britain - 10.17m - 40.68% - BBC1 (9pm, Thursday 17 November)
All in all, the Beeb narrowly beat ITV by nabbing 50 out of the top 100. The third channel got 47, while C4's Lost and Big Brother and BBC2's Rome crept in somewhere near the bottom of the list.
Oh, and viewing figures in total are down 8% on last year.
Top of the pops, as per, was Coronation Street, which, on February 21 pulled in 14.35 million viewers. That was the episode which featured the rather perfunctory storylines of Sally's affair with boss Ian Davenport, and Tommy Harris going nuts over his daughter's relationship with Martin. Interestingly, this run-of-the-mill stuff was enough to punt EastEnders into second place, and their showpiece "killing Dirty Den" episode, which went out days before on February 18, attacting an audience of 14.34 million.
Here's that top 10 in full ...
1. Coronation Street - 14.35m - 57.39% - ITV1 (7.30pm, Monday 21 February)
2. EastEnders - 14.34m - 57.85% - BBC1 (8pm, Friday 18 February)
3. The Vicar of Dibley - 11.57m - 42.70% - BBC1 (9pm, Saturday 1 January)
4. Emmerdale - 11.18m - 48.80% - ITV1 (7pm, Monday 21 February)
5. Comic Relief Night - 10.93m - 45.09% - BBC1 (7pm, Friday 11 March)
6. Doctor Who - 10.81m - 44.84% - BBC1 (7pm, Saturday 26 March)
7. I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me out of Here! - 10.54m - 44.02% - ITV1 (9pm, Monday 28 November)
8. Strictly Come Dancing - 10.4m - 41.50% - BBC1 (6.30pm, Saturday 17 December)
9. A Touch of Frost - 10.28m - 40.24% - ITV1 (8.25pm, Sunday 25 September)
10. Little Britain - 10.17m - 40.68% - BBC1 (9pm, Thursday 17 November)
All in all, the Beeb narrowly beat ITV by nabbing 50 out of the top 100. The third channel got 47, while C4's Lost and Big Brother and BBC2's Rome crept in somewhere near the bottom of the list.
Oh, and viewing figures in total are down 8% on last year.
03 January 2006
"ARE YOU READY TO MAKE A FULL DISCLOSURE?"
After waiting about eight years, today in WH Smith - quite by surprise - I stumbled across a DVD release of the 1997 BBC drama Holding On. Given my off air copy got chewed up by a defective video recorder some time ago, re-watching the series has been a pleasant if nostalgic experience (oh boy, don't those typefaces look so '90s, and watch out for an advertising billboard heralding the arrival of Channel 5). However, with Phil Daniels' Britpop influenced character left to one side, the drama stands up surprisingly well.
But there were a number of questions that came to mind after watching episode one.
Firstly, is this the last really good thing that Tony Marchant ever wrote? More worryingly is the last ever really good signature piece serial in the mould of the public dramas of GBH and Our Friends in the North? I have a horrible feeling that it is (State of Play and In a Land of Plenty both come close but neither quite manages to capture that sense of epic scale), and telly is a poorer place as a result.
Whilst I suppose it's good to see the BBC can still show faith in the television scriptwriter as the ultimate authorial voice (there are a couple of Poliakoff dramas scheduled for 2006), there seems to have been a move towards more personally driven narratives. Whether this is the fault of economics or simply that there are no writers out there currently able to bring us 21st century equivalents of Edge of Darkness, it's difficult to say. Certainly Merchant's Passer By (2004) was a bit rubbish. Anyway, apparently we'll be able to see for ourselves later this year with his new drama The Family Man.
But there were a number of questions that came to mind after watching episode one.
Firstly, is this the last really good thing that Tony Marchant ever wrote? More worryingly is the last ever really good signature piece serial in the mould of the public dramas of GBH and Our Friends in the North? I have a horrible feeling that it is (State of Play and In a Land of Plenty both come close but neither quite manages to capture that sense of epic scale), and telly is a poorer place as a result.
Whilst I suppose it's good to see the BBC can still show faith in the television scriptwriter as the ultimate authorial voice (there are a couple of Poliakoff dramas scheduled for 2006), there seems to have been a move towards more personally driven narratives. Whether this is the fault of economics or simply that there are no writers out there currently able to bring us 21st century equivalents of Edge of Darkness, it's difficult to say. Certainly Merchant's Passer By (2004) was a bit rubbish. Anyway, apparently we'll be able to see for ourselves later this year with his new drama The Family Man.
02 January 2006
"DID I JUST SAY 'BREAK'?"
Statistics from every edition of Deal or No Deal can be picked over here, along with as-it-happened commentaries and endless mathematical calculations predicting the Banker's offers.
It's striking to see that, in just over two months on air, the show's already given away just shy of a million pounds. Has any other quiz show ever handed out so much in such a short space of time? Saying that, it's equally surprising to see how few contestants have ended up effectively "losing", be it through stubborn no-dealing (and hence landing 10p or £10) or, in one of Noel's current favourite phrases, closing "one deal too soon".
Of course both times the quarter of a million has come up, the contestants did just this, winning about a tenth of their box. How long before all those streamers and balloons you just know Noel has insisted be tied up ready in the studio ceiling, finally get to be unleashed?
It's striking to see that, in just over two months on air, the show's already given away just shy of a million pounds. Has any other quiz show ever handed out so much in such a short space of time? Saying that, it's equally surprising to see how few contestants have ended up effectively "losing", be it through stubborn no-dealing (and hence landing 10p or £10) or, in one of Noel's current favourite phrases, closing "one deal too soon".
Of course both times the quarter of a million has come up, the contestants did just this, winning about a tenth of their box. How long before all those streamers and balloons you just know Noel has insisted be tied up ready in the studio ceiling, finally get to be unleashed?