23 February 2006
"HE SEEMS LESS OF A SELF-AGGRANDISING PRICK THAN THE OTHERS"
While we're waiting for OTT's review of The Apprentice to appear (and it will, that's inevitable), Andrew "The" Collins' has written a very nice sweary piece about last night's episode on his blog.
Oh, and be sure to click on the comments to find TV Quick/Choice's own Jon Peake being entertainingly grumpy.
Oh, and be sure to click on the comments to find TV Quick/Choice's own Jon Peake being entertainingly grumpy.
18 February 2006
SATURDAY ARCADE
Not sure why the imminent ending of Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow has become news all of a sudden, expecially when it was announced about 12 months ago. However with only a few shows left, I wonder what's going to replace it come the autumn.
What we don't want is a second-rate Bungalow rip-off, especially as you can see that kind of thing on ITV1. Dick and Dom had something special about them and it's going to be hard to replicate that. What I'd like to see is something of a return to the "classic" Saturday morning format a la Swap Shop or Going Live. I'd like to see a heavyweight programme where Huw Edwards can be interviewed in a jumper, because I think every generation of kids deserves the chance to take part in something like that.
It doesn't have to be a Saturday version of Blue Peter, there's plenty of scope for fun and silliness in it, but it would be good, I think, to return to the format that served the BBC well for two decades or so. It only fell out of favour because the final series of Live and Kicking were poorly executed and the hosts didn't work out. Well done, I think the kids would really take to it.
But no doubt we'll end up with Barney and Jake in The Maisonette or something. And I'll start getting up later.
What we don't want is a second-rate Bungalow rip-off, especially as you can see that kind of thing on ITV1. Dick and Dom had something special about them and it's going to be hard to replicate that. What I'd like to see is something of a return to the "classic" Saturday morning format a la Swap Shop or Going Live. I'd like to see a heavyweight programme where Huw Edwards can be interviewed in a jumper, because I think every generation of kids deserves the chance to take part in something like that.
It doesn't have to be a Saturday version of Blue Peter, there's plenty of scope for fun and silliness in it, but it would be good, I think, to return to the format that served the BBC well for two decades or so. It only fell out of favour because the final series of Live and Kicking were poorly executed and the hosts didn't work out. Well done, I think the kids would really take to it.
But no doubt we'll end up with Barney and Jake in The Maisonette or something. And I'll start getting up later.
08 February 2006
BOX CLEVER
Decent TV shows about TV have always tended to fall into one of two categories: the pithily pedantic (Open Air, See for Yourself, Right to Reply) or the waspishly whimsical (Take Two, Ask Aspel, Windmill). A programme that tackles telly from a topical, informative and genuinely enthusiastic point of view has, it feels, never been treated as a serious proposition. Convention seems to dictate there always has to be a gimmick bolted on, be it Gloria Hunniford, video booths or "Call the Controller".
Sure enough, the same goes for BBC4's latest commission, Screen Burn, wherein the most exciting medium in the land is going to be approached via “a juvenile parade of insults and unpleasant imagery loosely masquerading as analysis,” in the predictably subtle and self-deprecating words of its creator Charlie Brooker.
Whether or not you find Brooker’s brand of humour enjoyable, chances are the show will fall flat on its face by dint of being neither particularly funny nor particularly offensive - at least if the man's companion column in the Guardian is anything to go by, what with its obvious swearing, easy targets and plain cock-ups ("discovering" Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow on the morning of its final transmission, stating the top prize in Deal or No Deal as £200,000).
Moreover, the fall-out to what is admittedly just a three-show run will probably put everybody off attempting another series about TV for a further generation.
There's an instantly obvious place in the schedules for a regular show that looks at what, when and why people watch TV, and there are assuredly plenty of people who’d be up for watching it. Stick someone with a great deal of knowledge about the industry in front of the camera, but someone who also boasts a likable personality and a lightness of touch, and you’d have the perfect early evening alternative to a surplus of soaps and Watchdog clones.
And suffice to say, there’s one person who’d fit that bill perfectly.
Sure enough, the same goes for BBC4's latest commission, Screen Burn, wherein the most exciting medium in the land is going to be approached via “a juvenile parade of insults and unpleasant imagery loosely masquerading as analysis,” in the predictably subtle and self-deprecating words of its creator Charlie Brooker.
Whether or not you find Brooker’s brand of humour enjoyable, chances are the show will fall flat on its face by dint of being neither particularly funny nor particularly offensive - at least if the man's companion column in the Guardian is anything to go by, what with its obvious swearing, easy targets and plain cock-ups ("discovering" Dick and Dom in Da Bungalow on the morning of its final transmission, stating the top prize in Deal or No Deal as £200,000).
Moreover, the fall-out to what is admittedly just a three-show run will probably put everybody off attempting another series about TV for a further generation.
There's an instantly obvious place in the schedules for a regular show that looks at what, when and why people watch TV, and there are assuredly plenty of people who’d be up for watching it. Stick someone with a great deal of knowledge about the industry in front of the camera, but someone who also boasts a likable personality and a lightness of touch, and you’d have the perfect early evening alternative to a surplus of soaps and Watchdog clones.
And suffice to say, there’s one person who’d fit that bill perfectly.
07 February 2006
"YOU SEEM TO HAVE GONE FROM ANCHOR TO WANKER!"
Oh yes, The Apprentice returns to BBC2 on Wednesday 22 February, hence today's press launch, which even prompted the broadsheet writers to attend (Caitlin Moran in her dumpy boots).
"I don't have any popcorn," whispered Sir Alan noisily as Lorraine Heggessey squeezed into her seat beside him in the viewing room. Then, Roly Keating got up and made a breezy speech by way of introduction to the first episode, imploring the press not to reveal who gets fired, and admitting that this, in fact, was the first time even he was going to see who'd be taking that lonely cab ride to oblivion.
The Beeb are really throwing everything at the show this year. "I can't remember a programme that built like The Apprentice did," said Roly. Before the series starts, there'll be a catch-up show bringing us up-to-date with last year's winner, Tim Campbell. Then, alongside the regular episodes, there'll be a BBC3 spin-off - You're Fired - helmed by Adrian Chiles, and the opportunity to watch each episode again, plus new clips, on a broadband BBC site.
As for the episode itself? Well, as per Roly's intro, they hadn't tinkered with the format at all, other than to linger more in the final boardroom scene - apparently something viewers requested more of last year. The show itself is, thankfully, still ace.
No spoilers, just some quotes: "I'm a business bad boy." "I just don't know if you're a bloody nutter!" "All that rolls into The A-Team." "Go back inside and see if you've got any more money." "I've got your card marked!" And, of course: "You seem to have gone from anchor to wanker!"
In 2005, Sir Alan didn't like schmoozers, this time he doesn't like folk who are intent on raising their media profile (in the Q&A afterwards, he admitted, "Last year it was evident a few people were there for the wrong reasons").
As the end credits rolled, the assembled journos broke into an unprompted round of applause. "The last time I heard the press clap," dead-panned Sir Alan, "it was when I announced I'm leaving Tottenham".
"I don't have any popcorn," whispered Sir Alan noisily as Lorraine Heggessey squeezed into her seat beside him in the viewing room. Then, Roly Keating got up and made a breezy speech by way of introduction to the first episode, imploring the press not to reveal who gets fired, and admitting that this, in fact, was the first time even he was going to see who'd be taking that lonely cab ride to oblivion.
The Beeb are really throwing everything at the show this year. "I can't remember a programme that built like The Apprentice did," said Roly. Before the series starts, there'll be a catch-up show bringing us up-to-date with last year's winner, Tim Campbell. Then, alongside the regular episodes, there'll be a BBC3 spin-off - You're Fired - helmed by Adrian Chiles, and the opportunity to watch each episode again, plus new clips, on a broadband BBC site.
As for the episode itself? Well, as per Roly's intro, they hadn't tinkered with the format at all, other than to linger more in the final boardroom scene - apparently something viewers requested more of last year. The show itself is, thankfully, still ace.
No spoilers, just some quotes: "I'm a business bad boy." "I just don't know if you're a bloody nutter!" "All that rolls into The A-Team." "Go back inside and see if you've got any more money." "I've got your card marked!" And, of course: "You seem to have gone from anchor to wanker!"
In 2005, Sir Alan didn't like schmoozers, this time he doesn't like folk who are intent on raising their media profile (in the Q&A afterwards, he admitted, "Last year it was evident a few people were there for the wrong reasons").
As the end credits rolled, the assembled journos broke into an unprompted round of applause. "The last time I heard the press clap," dead-panned Sir Alan, "it was when I announced I'm leaving Tottenham".
06 February 2006
SEE PATTERN B IN TV TIMES
So the BBC and ITV have finally announced the World Cup split - the agreement on which games from the forthcoming footballing fandango will be screened on each network.
Dissecting this year's split, announced this afternoon, it's tempting to suggest ITV have got the upper hand. The BBC get England's first match, against Paraguay, on the first Saturday, but Gabby and co nab England's two remaining group games, against Trinidad and Tobago and Sweden, a potential group decider. It's 2-1 to ITV then, but the BBC have bagged first choice in both the last 16 and quarter-final rounds, which means England's knockout progress would be exclusive to the BBC. If England reach the semi-final, it will be simulcast on the BBC and ITV.
Elsewhere, the BBC get the opening ceremony and first game, which means ITV have to kick-off by attempting to get all excited at Poland v Ecuador. And the BBC get two fixtures featuring Brazil and Italy, and all of France's games. Bizarrely, on Tuesday 13 June, the BBC appear to be showing three live matches in one day, which has surely never happened before. There'll be letters ...
In pure commercial terms, ITV will be pleased at getting two guaranteed big games they can sell airtime around, while the BBC are traditionally more disposed to gambling on England making progress for their slice of the blockbuster matches. And no doubt ITV have agreed to this deal in the knowledge that when big games are screened on both BBC and ITV, it's always the Beeb that cleans up.
Dissecting this year's split, announced this afternoon, it's tempting to suggest ITV have got the upper hand. The BBC get England's first match, against Paraguay, on the first Saturday, but Gabby and co nab England's two remaining group games, against Trinidad and Tobago and Sweden, a potential group decider. It's 2-1 to ITV then, but the BBC have bagged first choice in both the last 16 and quarter-final rounds, which means England's knockout progress would be exclusive to the BBC. If England reach the semi-final, it will be simulcast on the BBC and ITV.
Elsewhere, the BBC get the opening ceremony and first game, which means ITV have to kick-off by attempting to get all excited at Poland v Ecuador. And the BBC get two fixtures featuring Brazil and Italy, and all of France's games. Bizarrely, on Tuesday 13 June, the BBC appear to be showing three live matches in one day, which has surely never happened before. There'll be letters ...
In pure commercial terms, ITV will be pleased at getting two guaranteed big games they can sell airtime around, while the BBC are traditionally more disposed to gambling on England making progress for their slice of the blockbuster matches. And no doubt ITV have agreed to this deal in the knowledge that when big games are screened on both BBC and ITV, it's always the Beeb that cleans up.
"HE APPEARS EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT ... LIKE URKEL!"
To be honest, I've never understood that joke, but I love the way Homer says it.
Anyway, where were you on Friday 18 February 2005? There was a different Pope, two of the three main political parties had different leaders, and there'd still only been eight Doctor Whos. It was also the last time Channel 4 screened a new episode of The Simpsons.
We've never had this long a gap between series on UK TV before, and you'd have thought that having spent "football match cash" on prising the series from the Beeb, C4 might actually like to screen some of it. Obviously you expect some gap between series, but I assumed it would resume in the autumn - which it didn't. Then I assumed it would return after Celebrity Big Brother, but now there are new series filling the Friday 9pm slot for the foreseeable future. Nobody seems to know when it might be back.
It seems as if C4 might have miscalculated here. The last series performed tolerably well at 9pm, but hardly set the BARB boxes on fire, and the 6pm repeats don't appear to be enjoying the sort of ratings they got at their peak on BBC2. I guess the obvious reason is that on BBC2, at least the number of repeat airings was still under a hundred or so, so seeing "Bart's Dog Gets an F" or "Mr Plow" again on C4 was always going to see steady decline over the million repeats.
Add to this C4's dozy screening of "A Streetcar Named Marge" with its New Orleans song days after Hurricane Katrina - where C4 said they weren't aware of its contents, something any Simpsons fan would have been able to tell them about - and I'm really not sure it's working out for C4.
Alright, so the "new" episodes C4 can show are hardly The Simpsons at their peak, but you could never have imagined them taking Friends off for a year when that was running. At a time when BBC2 seem to be attempting to find every way possible to take American Dad off, it's worth remembering that the channel that was once king of the import can sometimes be even worse at handling them.
Anyway, where were you on Friday 18 February 2005? There was a different Pope, two of the three main political parties had different leaders, and there'd still only been eight Doctor Whos. It was also the last time Channel 4 screened a new episode of The Simpsons.
We've never had this long a gap between series on UK TV before, and you'd have thought that having spent "football match cash" on prising the series from the Beeb, C4 might actually like to screen some of it. Obviously you expect some gap between series, but I assumed it would resume in the autumn - which it didn't. Then I assumed it would return after Celebrity Big Brother, but now there are new series filling the Friday 9pm slot for the foreseeable future. Nobody seems to know when it might be back.
It seems as if C4 might have miscalculated here. The last series performed tolerably well at 9pm, but hardly set the BARB boxes on fire, and the 6pm repeats don't appear to be enjoying the sort of ratings they got at their peak on BBC2. I guess the obvious reason is that on BBC2, at least the number of repeat airings was still under a hundred or so, so seeing "Bart's Dog Gets an F" or "Mr Plow" again on C4 was always going to see steady decline over the million repeats.
Add to this C4's dozy screening of "A Streetcar Named Marge" with its New Orleans song days after Hurricane Katrina - where C4 said they weren't aware of its contents, something any Simpsons fan would have been able to tell them about - and I'm really not sure it's working out for C4.
Alright, so the "new" episodes C4 can show are hardly The Simpsons at their peak, but you could never have imagined them taking Friends off for a year when that was running. At a time when BBC2 seem to be attempting to find every way possible to take American Dad off, it's worth remembering that the channel that was once king of the import can sometimes be even worse at handling them.
03 February 2006
OUR SURVEY SAYS ...
... this is probably the most obvious title I could have used.
Anyway, Vernon Kay, who astounded everyone by proving to be really rather likeable on the ace Game Show Marathon, is hosting a five-episode celebrity version of Family Fortunes.
FF is a show that should never really be off our screens, so here's hoping this turns into an actual proper teatime series, albeit with non-celebs lining up. And no Andy Collins.
Anyway, Vernon Kay, who astounded everyone by proving to be really rather likeable on the ace Game Show Marathon, is hosting a five-episode celebrity version of Family Fortunes.
FF is a show that should never really be off our screens, so here's hoping this turns into an actual proper teatime series, albeit with non-celebs lining up. And no Andy Collins.
02 February 2006
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM MEETS FRASIER MEETS WOODY ALLEN
David Schneider in interview:
"I'm going to write a Frasier-type sitcom set in Islington. An Isling-com. Very PC, ridiculously right-on, Fair Trade-anistas. 'We can't have black bin bags because it's racist' - which is the world that I live in. So, I just want to write something that's uncompromisingly bright and funny.
"I think it'll be a BBC4 show, going on to BBC2, like Armando's Thick of It project. I'll star, and it'll sort of be like Curb Your Enthusiasm meets Frasier meets Woody Allen - very verbal."
"I'm going to write a Frasier-type sitcom set in Islington. An Isling-com. Very PC, ridiculously right-on, Fair Trade-anistas. 'We can't have black bin bags because it's racist' - which is the world that I live in. So, I just want to write something that's uncompromisingly bright and funny.
"I think it'll be a BBC4 show, going on to BBC2, like Armando's Thick of It project. I'll star, and it'll sort of be like Curb Your Enthusiasm meets Frasier meets Woody Allen - very verbal."
01 February 2006
PLINKO WITH PASQUALE
It's amazing to think about how much of a ratings battleground teatime has become. ITV1 appear to have dumped plans to counter Channel 4's transmissions of The Paul O'Grady Show with, er, The Best of The Paul O'Grady Show, with something equally original over the beans on toast - old repeats of You've Been Framed and a blatant rip-off of Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two, to accompany their blatant rip-off of Strictly Come Dancing, Dancing on Ice.
It also appears that we're soon to be getting another revival of The Price is Right, fronted by squeaky-voiced jungle funnyman Joe Pasquale, which it seems ITV1 will be punting out at 4.30pm. Which is completely the wrong time for the naked greed and arm-waving hysteria of TPIR. And who in their right minds could put up with that every single afternoon? Noel Edmonds is hardly going to be worried about the return of Cliffhanger and Switcheroo, is he?
To accommodate this, it looks like CITV is to be slashed to an hour a day, which makes you wonder why ITV are even bothering. How many kids are going to tune in for an hour, when there's two hours-plus on BBC1, and all day on the Beeb's kids' channels, not to mention Nick, Disney, Cartoon Network etc? Presumably this hour will be little more than an extended trailer for their own forthcoming CITV channel. But given that ITV are only now obliged to provide eight hours of childrens' programming a week, I don't see why they don't just do two four-hour slabs on weekend mornings.
One more point. How long does BBC1 stay out of all this before the ITV-C4 teatime war starts to affect share? There were rumours a few years back that Mark Thompson, in his previous incarnation as Director of Television, wanted to shift CBBC in its entirety to BBC2. Might we soon see The Weakest Link in tandem with Neighbours on BBC1?
It also appears that we're soon to be getting another revival of The Price is Right, fronted by squeaky-voiced jungle funnyman Joe Pasquale, which it seems ITV1 will be punting out at 4.30pm. Which is completely the wrong time for the naked greed and arm-waving hysteria of TPIR. And who in their right minds could put up with that every single afternoon? Noel Edmonds is hardly going to be worried about the return of Cliffhanger and Switcheroo, is he?
To accommodate this, it looks like CITV is to be slashed to an hour a day, which makes you wonder why ITV are even bothering. How many kids are going to tune in for an hour, when there's two hours-plus on BBC1, and all day on the Beeb's kids' channels, not to mention Nick, Disney, Cartoon Network etc? Presumably this hour will be little more than an extended trailer for their own forthcoming CITV channel. But given that ITV are only now obliged to provide eight hours of childrens' programming a week, I don't see why they don't just do two four-hour slabs on weekend mornings.
One more point. How long does BBC1 stay out of all this before the ITV-C4 teatime war starts to affect share? There were rumours a few years back that Mark Thompson, in his previous incarnation as Director of Television, wanted to shift CBBC in its entirety to BBC2. Might we soon see The Weakest Link in tandem with Neighbours on BBC1?
SCARF ACE
Monday. Monday's are great. On Monday I spent 45 minutes with Tom Baker interviewing him for work. It was lots and lots of fun, with the grand old man of Who looking no different from when he signed my book in 1997 (or thereabouts).
When I arrived he declared: "Jesus, that's some scarf!" in reference to the stringy blue and green thing I got for free from UKTV the Christmas before last. "Looks like a real strangler". Then, he spent the interview regaling me with stories, and insisting I eat some fruit from the platter in front of him. "Cor, what's that? Looks like mango!".
At the end, as I was leaving, he boomed: "Now, you've got to get rid of that fucking scarf."
Then came Tuesday, wherein I arrived at my desk to find - something of a rarity - a message on my voicemail. It was from Tom's PR .
"After Tom's comments about your scarf," she said, "he's decided that you absolutely must have the scarf that we used - which is like his Doctor Who scarf - when we did some photos with him."
Tuesdays are great too.*
*And so are Wednesdays - the scarf, and it's a bloody big one - arrived at just before 4pm. I'm wearing it right now.
When I arrived he declared: "Jesus, that's some scarf!" in reference to the stringy blue and green thing I got for free from UKTV the Christmas before last. "Looks like a real strangler". Then, he spent the interview regaling me with stories, and insisting I eat some fruit from the platter in front of him. "Cor, what's that? Looks like mango!".
At the end, as I was leaving, he boomed: "Now, you've got to get rid of that fucking scarf."
Then came Tuesday, wherein I arrived at my desk to find - something of a rarity - a message on my voicemail. It was from Tom's PR .
"After Tom's comments about your scarf," she said, "he's decided that you absolutely must have the scarf that we used - which is like his Doctor Who scarf - when we did some photos with him."
Tuesdays are great too.*
*And so are Wednesdays - the scarf, and it's a bloody big one - arrived at just before 4pm. I'm wearing it right now.