After seemingly months and months of test transmissions Channel M finally launched with what can only be described as a singe of publicity in March 2000.
The embryonic marketing push amounted to one leaflet dropped through our letterbox, telling us to get ready for a new age in television - or something like that. There were no details in the leaflet beyond telling me that Channel M would feature "Music, Sport, Culture and Fun", each word accompanied by an appropriate photo, like an ice hockey player for sport, and some people poised to place goldfish bowls on their heads for culture. The only other scrap of information given apart from this was a guide to tuning your TV, with three "easy" steps - "press MENU on your remote control, select Channel Tuning, and when your TV locates Channel M, allocate it to the next available button". Hardly a comprehensive guide. A website address was given, but this purveyed exactly the same information as the leaflet, and still does last time I looked.
During the first month of transmission the picture was unwatchable (like VideoCrypt), but by the time April arrived it had improved enough to be able to see what was happening. Immediately it became apparent that Channel M's scheduling was different to "proper" TV channels, with programmes starting at the top of the hour - followed by a test transmission-style display of the logo until the next hour. So when I decided to review the channel for OTT, I thought it would be best to slam a video in and digest it later. This is my review of Channel M, from 9pm to midnight on Sunday 4 April 2000.
We join Channel M halfway through a show, which shoots my scheduling theory down in flames. It's a fashion show, with lots of ladies wandering down a catwalk in that usual dull way. Thumping electronic music replaces the often useful narration. The Manchester Metropolitan University logo at the back of the stage reveals that this is a student endeavour. Jeff Banks pops up, telling us that "Manchester has got such a ... vibe" (funny how people always pause before they say "vibe"). Under normal circumstances I would have flicked over by now, as this show seems nothing more than a Clothes Show retread without the small amount of excitement that programme held. More anonymous and irritating dance tracks are laid over the images. The show is a little worthy, however, as these are obviously students' creations being modelled - that is confirmed when a young woman explains her work. Are these clothes part of a dissertation? Not much time to find out, as a female presenter suddenly wraps up the show, much to my relief - her piece is tainted by the trademark cameras-at-strange-angles. A long set of credits reveals that she's also the producer and director. The credits also tell you the names of the tracks used in the show, a tactic which I am amazed hasn't been employed in every show on television.
Perhaps my scheduling theory holds true only in daytime, as we are immediately served up my first full programme on Channel M - and, handily for a reviewer, it's Pick of the Week. A shouty young man (name not specified) gesticulates towards the angled camera outdoors in Manchester, telling us that coming up are the best bits of last week on Channel M. Our first pick is an interview with a band called Mash carried out by "Byron" (as detailed by shouty man). It boils down to the group sat outside Marks & Spencer in Manchester with this fine young specimen of a man. We're about 10 minutes in, amazingly, and already it's becoming apparent to me that this channel is aimed squarely at young people, specifically the student population of Manchester. Their coverage area, the south of the city, would include most of the student population. Byron's interview technique is ... limited, his Harold Wilson-style questions being interspersed with clips of the band performing acoustically in someone's bedroom. He asks one band member (again, no names specified) if, "it is important to have international success as well as domestic success?" - all he can say in reply is, "Well, yes!". The Harold Wilson comparisons (when the former Prime Minister infamously hosted Friday Night ... Saturday Morning) are confirmed when Byron asks the band, "Are you doing anything in the future?". The song wasn't bad, shame about the interview.
Thankfully it's soon over, and the action returns to anonymous shouty man. He introduces his next pick, Gloves Off. This is an "issue" show, a discussion resembling Esther or Kilroy (but on a much smaller scale) with a hilarious set resembling a pilot for The Oxford Road Show - two curtains tied at the back, and a large beige circle bearing the show's title. It's populated by mostly young people with a few adults, all helmed by Steve Dennis, beaming gloriously as he grips his microphone tighter. Today's topic is violence towards students by the local community. Steve flits from one southern accent to another, asking basic questions about the quality of life in the city - two young men have scars that help to emphasise their points. However, there's no real bond in the arguments. People get burgled, people are menaced in the street, usually for money, wherever you live. Steve moves to the adults; two policemen who broadly agree, and a probation officer who doesn't let on to too much. The opposing viewpoint is provided by the lone voice of Natalie, a bubbly young woman full of classical northern "bottle". Her solution to the problem of street violence is to reciprocate any threat. Steve repeatedly crosses for her reaction, which is entertaining but prevents others from contributing. The fast pace at which Steve keeps the show going, coupled with his ineptitude, leads you to realise that no useful conclusions about the "issues" will be drawn from this show. The terrible sound doesn't help either, but that could be down to interference. It seems that the studio sound has been turned up too loud.
Suddenly the channel starts to make sense - this is Student TV, made by students for students. From the quality of the presenting, through to the technical presentation, this has been a shambles so far - you have visions of work experience-type clots eagerly manning the controls. Of course, it would be too harsh to heavily criticise the team behind it, as I'm sure nearly all of them will be making their first steps into the industry. But what use is a TV station that is so bad it's unwatchable?
I'm too busy chuckling at the programme's title and set to pay much more attention, bar the two occasions when Steve stands on an audience member's foot. The closest programme in form I can think of is the much-missed F2F from Granada Talk TV, starring current C4 jewel Sacha Baron-Cohen. A huge list of credits brings the show to an end (produced by The School of Music, Media And Performance, University of Salford), then after a brief burst of dance music and the M logo it's straight on to Mad4Wear. I have a feeling that we've seen this before. You can guess it's a fashion show, and first up it's sub-C4 quick edits over standard dub covering "Soup", whatever that is. Lots of students wandering round in odd costumes, spliced with lots of students yakking about fashion. It really does seem like the bits The Clothes Show felt were too dull to include. "My designs have been influenced by South American culture and communism," offers one, which transpires to be the inclusion of greys and blacks. Two minutes, and the feature's over! The presenter leads us into a feature on Joe Bloggs, the jeans manufacturer. Once again, exactly the same production styles are employed, alienating me even further. They interview Joe Bloggs proprietor Shami Ahmed, and technical stuff causes problems again - I have to turn the volume up to hear what he's saying. Then I get blasted when the music returns. Should a TV reviewer press fast-forward? Who knows, but that's what I'm doing. "Big up to Joe Bloggs!".
The show, if you can call it that, follows what could be called the golden Channel M rule - do a series of disparate self-contained features linked by the presenter from somewhere in Manchester. The next feature's up, but I'm twitching for the remote - when suddenly, the picture goes to VideoCrypt again. It's like that for the rest of the tape. Not a major loss.
What to say in conclusion? I didn't get to see as much as I'd hoped, but it was a tough task to sit through even half-an-hour of this stuff - Gloves Off seemed to carry on for an eternity. It's a worthy project, and it goes without saying that it's something that should happen - giving the budding TV producer or presenter a chance to get hands-on experience. Perhaps it's just not meant for watching. There are few adverts, as you'd probably expect, and there seems to be a very small band of people actually presenting, which is a shame when they're so bad. Since I taped this sample, the novelty of a new TV channel has understandably worn off, and I've only dipped in on a few occasions. In that time, I've seen the same interview with Tim Booth from James about three times, predictably following the concert-shot splicing path; more of Byron interviewing mystery bands; Pick of the Week again; and most spectacularly of all, Yasmin interviewing Flavor Flav for about three minutes. There were a couple of interesting moments - a touching film about the last lighthouse keepers in Britain, which didn't follow the standard youth-oriented pattern and was thus instantly more appealing. The film reviews are amusing too - a quirky double-act introducing what are just clips of current cinema trailers, but with a comical spin on the links. For instance, on location in an American Football dressing room, shouting the introduction and review of the film at the players for Any Given Sunday; and constantly being boxed in a ring for Fight Club. That was as good as it got though. And I was mightily annoyed when "Byron" turned up on that current ITV favourite Pleasure Island, about nudist resort Hedonism in Jamaica - yes, it's him, "Byron" from Manchester, the one who wouldn't take his clothes off. Surely it wasn't his escapades on Channel M that got him this gig?
